Soooooo, the time is fast approaching when Cupid takes centre stage for the day, and the postman’s sack heaves under the weight of all those messages of lurve which will be dropping onto our mats in a couple of weeks’ time.

Or not, as the case may be.

 

I was spoilt rotten last year, and it was lovely, but I have spent more Valentine’s Days on my own than I care to confess, and whilst we may assume a laissez-faire nonchalance and say it’s all a load of juvenile bullshit, for many people, this can be a  pretty difficult day, which of course isn’t now just confined to what the postman may or may not bring us, but I imagine (speaking as a relative newcomer to social media) it is probably ramped up by the likes of Facebook, where the deluge or dearth of Valentines messages is visible for all to see. 

Of course, ‘Love Coaches’ advise us – quite rightly – to love ourselves first and foremost, but taking myself off on a Valentine’s ‘date’ as some of them advocate, doesn’t quite do it for me somehow.   A.N. Other really is a desirable and necessary part and parcel of the overall Valentine package, and I think this day can slap us well and truly in the face if that ‘other’ doesn’t exist.

And yet, it does seem as if we’re in a paradoxical state of flux over matters of the heart.  We all know that statistically, 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, and with subsequent relationships even more likely to fall apart, it would appear that a lot of people have endeavoured to accept and embrace this inevitability and enjoy open relationships and polyamorous life-styles.

But is this freedom making us happy?

Apparently not…..at least, not according to the All Seeing Eye of those very clever people at Facebook, whose computers amass and analyse incredibly detailed information about us all for their dastardly and very lucrative marketing purposes.  Last year, their Data Team sliced and diced the language used in millions of peoples’ status messages, and then looked at how they varied depending on the relationship status the people listed themselves with.  Their conclusions were that married people are the happiest, and people in ‘open relationships’ are the least happy.  Furthermore, men are less happy than women in an open relationship (believe it or not) and more happy in marriage.  The study goes on to say that people in open relationships tend to be less positive than anyone else, including those who are single, scoring even less on the happiness barometer than widowed people!

So, what’s going on here?  What has precipitated this huge social change, in which divorce and relationship breakdowns are an almost everyday occurrence and despite – or perhaps because of – the plethora of online dating sites, single people of all ages and stages are an ever-increasing component of social demographics?  Are we just getting too fussy, or are we – like kids in a candy store – adopting a pick & mix mentality where variety is the spice of life, but where we know full well, a diet of sherbet bon bons and dolly mixtures is never going to satisfy us?

And yet why, having seen what a hash their parents’ generation have made of it, do so many young couples still elect to walk down the aisle in full knowledge that there’s such a high chance of a costly and often messy divorce further down the line…?

Our conditioning must play a part;  all those years of evocative and flowery stories about the archetypal maiden being ‘rescued’ by the handsome prince, surreptitiously but powerfully imbue impressionable young minds with the idea that, in order to be ‘happy ever after’, there must inevitably be a perfect relationship somewhere in the middle of it all. 

Of course, in the days of Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty’s medieval origins, people were lucky if they reached the ripe old age of 40, and so perhaps in that context, the concept of being together ‘till death do us part’ wasn’t so unrealistic, but nowadays, is it possible ….or even healthy…. to remain in love with – and faithful to – the same person for half a century or more….?

A question I put to Kavida Rei – who is presenting the workshop at my next Juice event – who has recently announced her plans to remarry in spite of earlier protestations of “never again”.   It was no secret that she and her beloved were besotted with each other, but this announcement – coming as it did from a self-confessed tantric sex goddess who preaches emotional freedom and sexual liberation, and organises Sensual Soirees events for “singles, couples, polyamorists and beyond…” - surprised many people, including herself.

Apparently, the catalyst for her change of heart was not so much her partner, who had proposed several times, but a book – ‘Committed’ by Elizabeth Gilbert – the true story of the very anti-marriage author’s dilemma about whether to wed her lover when he was at risk of deportation, and her eventual and profound realisation, after much cultural research and soul searching, that as a private, public and political statement, marriage is the strongest and most powerful bond on the planet.

So, if both of these intelligent, independent and – openly reluctant – women have chosen to surrender to the formalised sanctity of holy wedlock, perhaps we shouldn’t really be so surprised that young people – without any personal experience of what a failed marriage actually feels like – would elect to pursue that same path. 

Is the combination of love and commitment what our hearts really yearn for?

A straw poll of some of my friends indicated, perhaps unsurprisingly, that the majority of us would ideally prefer to be in a relationship than out of one, and with medical evidence citing that single people die proportionately younger than their happily married peers, the question is why on earth are we opting for lifestyles which aren’t conducive to contentment or longevity?

Many sociologists have pointed the finger of blame at women’s demands for greater independence and autonomy as being a significant factor in this shift, suggesting that the sexual revolution of the 60’s and 70’s encouraged women to aspire to do, be and have too much…a case of wanting to have our cake and eat it.  Whether we ever entirely got it is a moot point, but in any case, it sounds as if that cake is becoming increasingly hard to swallow.  According to research conducted by the University of Pennsylvania, women’s levels of happiness, both in the US and across Europe, have fallen sharply in comparison to men, and they state that that women have a significantly lower sense of wellbeing and life satisfaction, irrespective of age, marital status or whether or not they had children.

So, it seems we have a combination of a collective inability to commit to long-term relationships and women’s dissatisfaction with life in general.  Are they connected, and could this be a chicken-and-egg scenario…?

Consider, if you will, this characteristically explicit discourse about male:female relations delivered by Indian mystic Osho in the 70’s:

“Women have a totally different kind of being.  Her whole body needs love.  It is not sexuality.  Her whole body is orgasmic.  That’s why there is tremendous trouble.  Man comes to orgasm quickly — within two minutes — and the woman has not even started.  The woman takes a little time.  Her whole body has to become ready, ecstatic.  Her whole body has to join the dance.  Only then can she feel orgasmic joy.  

For millions of years, women have suffered because man has not been able to give them what they need.  Man has simply used them for his sexuality.  They feel almost like a commodity to be used, and then the man turns over and goes to sleep and starts snoring. This is so ugly and the woman is crying.  She has fear.  After each lovemaking, the woman cries, because she has not got anything. Her standard of love is higher than the standard of man.

I would like the woman to become as feminine as possible, only then can she flower.  And the man needs to be as masculine as possible, only then can he flower.  When they are polar opposites, a great attraction, a great magnetism, arises between them.  And when they come close, when they meet in intimacy, they bring two different worlds, two different dimensions, two different richnesses, and the meeting is a tremendous blessing, a benediction.”

 

For a dyed-in-the wool feminist like me, this initially seemed like a pretty antiquated and culturally skewed point of view, but I’m increasingly appreciating its enormous perspicacity.  Perhaps we’ve simply forgotten that the two sexes have always been fundamentally as powerful and as valid as each other, but in our efforts to bring some much-needed balance to our male dominated society, our gender polarities have been muddied and muddled, and the dynamic joy, bliss and ecstasy of a truly bonded partnership have been diluted as a result of our collective levels of disappointment, confusion and unmet longings.

So, can we return to a more contented, happier state…?

No, I don’t believe we can. The battle of the sexes is over, and both sides, it seems, have lost.  There’s no going back. 

But we can go forwards, raising our game, and forging some conscious, new pathways.

And maybe what we truly ache for is the ability to love and make love with another in a way that fosters mutual harmony and deep contentment, with the freedom to develop as fully-expressed individuals from the foundation of a deeply committed partnership with an unbreakable bond.

And that, I believe, is the true essence of the oft-misunderstood path of Tantra.  It’s not, as most people in the West seem to think, just about sex….but neither is it not about sex either.  Like life itself, either and neither can apply.  And yes, it is full of paradoxes and apparent contradictions…but it is, I believe, The Way, and I applaud those brave and spirited souls who are having the guts to walk the path.

If you want some guidance, talk to either Kavida or me…we know many people in the business, and have ourselves got a lot of tools to help you.

And so, my sincere admiration and warm congratulations to her and Roland;  the date has been set, and I’m really looking forward to their beautiful tantric summer wedding.

And y’know, Valentine’s day isn’t really such a big deal.  Glittery hearts and red roses are all well and good, but ultimately, no amount of cards, kisses or chocolates are any substitute for undying love….and not something that masquerades as love either, but the real thing.  Something that never wavers, no matter what.  And it starts with opening the heart to really, truly and totally let it in wherever and whenever it appears, and [excepting outright cruelty] aligning ourselves firmly to it and holding fast whatever the relationship and the world throw at us….not out of fear or conditioning, but because that is the heart’s true desire.

This is Divine Alchemy.

 Simple and terrifying and magnificent.

And ultimately, I think, what we’re all here to learn to do.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixèd mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

William Shakespeare

 

Join us at Juice on Sunday 20th February, for Kavida’s very lovely and sensuous workshop ‘Awakening the Senses’